A letter to a friend.

It kind of sucks to know that even though you’re not going to be in my life anymore, it’s going to be practically IMPOSSIBLE to avoid you.

We have so many mutual friends and you’re always around them.

A part of me knows that you pride yourself in being right where I want to be.

You pride yourself in knowing that the moment I see you, I immediately become uncomfortable and find an excuse to leave.

I just wish I could find a way to tell you that it’s not because I feel guilty in any way.

It has nothing to do with any of the accusations, or the nasty things you said.

You have NOT succeeded in your attempt to tear me down.

You have NOT succeeded in your attempt to make me feel like the villain.

You have NOT succeeded in your attempt to make me feel worthless.

But where you HAVE succeeded is likely not the effect you were going for.

You HAVE managed to make yourself even more unappealing.

You HAVE managed to make me feel very silly to have trusted you.

You HAVE managed to amaze me with your immaturity.

…

It upsets me that after these last five years, you’d say the things you did to me.

It upsets me that after these last five years, you still don’t treat me as an equal.

It upsets me that after these last five years, you’ve never apologized ONCE to me.

I was never asking for you to apologize for everything.

Some acknowledgment that you were in the wrong sometimes would have been nice, though.

Our friendship was always on your terms.

You walked away and waltzed back in at will.

And I let it happen.

Every.

Single.

Time.

Well, I’ve gotten stronger since then.

This time, I’m walking away on my terms.

And I won’t look back.

I will miss the good times that we shared.

THOSE are what I will ache for.

And THOSE are what places the pain on my face whenever I see you.

THOSE are the reason I want to avoid you.

Remembering the time we vacationed together in the mountains.

Remembering the time we laughed at the kid in the pool.

Remembering the times we wrote notes on that poor piece of paper in my locker.

Remembering the times we protected each other.

Remembering the times we needed each other…

Those happy times will be there forever in my heart.

And so will you.

Just not ever in the same way.

I’m strong enough to walk away now.

Love always,

-Aiko.

Dear Someone.

I’m proud to say that my life is a whole lot better without you in it, and you did me a favor by walking away… but is it bad that I get a small bit of satisfaction knowing that you haven’t had the same luck?

I’ve used this experience to better myself and make a change in my life. I’ve used this experience to make a new beginning for ME.

Yet… you’re still the same as ever. Your lack of commitment and motivation are STILL a problem for you. And you still constantly choose to bite the hand that feeds you. People still offer you help, and you still refuse it. You still stick your nose up at things that aren’t EXACTLY to your tastes.

This all saddens me, because you don’t deserve to be unhappy… But it also empowers me. It lets me know that I must be doing SOMETHING right, seeing as I’ve been feeling more and more powerful and confident as time goes on. I KNOW that by the end of this journey, I’ll be a better person; a happier, more confident person.

I wish I could say the same for you, because I wish you the same kind of happiness I’ve been feeling. But looking at the way your life is going still? I don’t think my wish is going to come true any time soon.

Good luck, old friend.

-Khanny<3

Self love.

I'm trying to learn to love myself in a healthy way. It's really not easy. I mean... anyone can love them selves to the point where they become self-important and arrogant... But to love yourself in such a way that actually makes you a better person?




Really. Freakin'. Hard.




I mean... I try to wake up each morning and compliment myself when I look in the mirror. I try to think positively about my accomplishments. I try to be confident and assertive... but all of these things are harder than they sound! While trying to do all of these things, I finding 5 negatives for each positive that I can come up with.




I really want to have a healthy relationship with myself. To learn to trust myself and be happy.




I just didn't expect it to be so difficult.




But you know, there're these moments where it all comes together. I look in the mirror and I can see beauty and confidence. Not only do I SEE it, I FEEL it.




Those moments have been rare so far, but they're totally encouraging. In those moments I can feel myself loving.... me. =) And they're worth it. Very much so.




I just have to keep it up.



-Khanny<3

Distancing without becoming distant?

Starting this process, there were quite a few things that proved difficult for me. One of the biggest ones would have to be: moving on without becoming a recluse.



But first, a little background story:



Many components came together to create one incident for me. In a matter of a week, three of the most important relationships in my life all changed drastically. One dropped completely out of my life, one walked away and left conditions on which this may return, and the third relationship simply... did a one-eighty. A lot of it was my own doing, and I own that. I do. However, I don't think those relationships, and I mean none of them, were completely healthy in the first place. I'm starting to realize this. That doesn't mean that they weren't healthy in many other ways, just that hindsight is 20/20. But we'll get to that in a different entry.



Either way, after that week, I kind of went into hiding. I didn't call anyone, I didn't talk to anyone, I didn't touch my computer, I didn't go out except to work... I quite literally became a hermit. I had shoulders OFFERED to me to cry on, but I chose not to take them. That may sound sad, and you may wonder why I chose not to have a support system for myself. The answer is simple: I just find comfort in solitude when it comes to situations like that. When I'm under emotional stress, feeling like I have to keep up appearances just makes makes it worse. I don't tell people about my problems. I don't talk about my feelings. I deal with things internally. It's how I've always worked.



What I have failed to realize in the past however, is that you really do need to find a happy medium. In my comfortable, hermit-den, I was so caught up in myself that I was being un-feeling to those who care for me. This isn't the first time I've done this, but it's the first time I've really payed attention to it as it was happening so I could correct it before causing further worry or pain for someone else.



Now this begs the question: How in the heck do you find said happy medium? How, if you're an emotional hermit like myself, do you find that spot in the middle where you aren't worrying/hurting people but are still able to have your space; your peace and quiet?



I surely haven't got it down perfect yet, and I sure as heck am not the poster child for this situation, but I'm slowly learning. With time, who knows... I may even be able to give advice on it. But for right now, I'm going to leave this where it is.



This is a journey, and the first step is asking questions. The fun part is getting the answers!



Stay thirsty, my friends!



-Khanny. <3

Meaningful music.

So I wanted to explain the reasoning behind the playlist on this page. I'm sure many out there can easily connect the dots, but just for clarity:



Each song on that playlist is themed toward this blog. Moving on, moving forward, making changes, starting over, new beginnings... All are themes that will weave their way through these entries.



Music is pretty much my air. It helps me deal with my emotions. I sing in the shower. I sing in the car. I sing in public. I sing in the fridge! (I work at a restaurant. Haha.) I also write music as well as playing a few instruments. So having a therapeutic playlist to go with my therapeutic blog is completely natural.



Some of these songs have a particular meaning and significance to to this emotional journey I'm currently embarking on. Others are attached to certain people who I've encountered and/or WILL encounter. And some? Simply have a good, relevant message. I know that there are endless archives of songs that pertain to this particular subject; I just have to find them. So for now, what you see is what you get. Or... what you HEAR... as the case may be. (Oh, I slay me. Haha.)



If you have any songs you think may fit, please feel free to drop me the name of it in the form of a comment. I like comments. They let me know that you're reading. =)



Anyways!!



I've rambled on long enough. Enjoy the music!



Love and serenity! (Mooon tiaaaaraaaaaaa maaaaaaagiiiiiiic!)





-Khanny <3

Inception.

If you're taking time out of your day to read this, I have two things to say to you:



1) Thank you!

2) I hope I don't bore you too much.


This blog is mostly a therapeutic journal of sorts that I plan to use to document my thoughts during this whole process of "moving on" and "starting anew." It's also a place for me to simply ramble. Or even post the odd video or picture that makes an impression. I know I could easily use my facebook to do this, but it's far too public a venue for some of the thoughts that conceivably could grace these pages.



There really is no need to go through the events that brought me to this decision at this point and time. I'm sure that I'll re-visit them several times throughout this whole process. I haven't kept a diary for years, but it used to help me deal with things. Hopefully this will have the same effect.



Anyways. I do believe this will be a sufficient first post... and if not? Sue me. It's 3:00 AM and I work in the morning.



Thanks for reading!



-Khanny <3